There's a standard vocabulary: this and then this and then that. The same sorts of limits apply, even the same time periods. It isn't real sex at all, instead a sort of performance, a display put on for the audience like a song. The story chugs along until it is time for sex. Then it shifts back and the people on the street stop being a chorus and again become passers by. Then reality shifts and you enter a song, which may have some relationship to the story or not. That's where the story chugs along until hitting a tripwire. Porn movies like this follow the model of movie musicals (based on stage musicals). Seen one saucersized aureole, you seen em all. The blonds (all blonds!) all looked and acted the same, having gotten their boobs at the same store. With a little bit of attention, this could have been a good movie and maybe even a hit. One actor alone in this (Evan Stone) is good, but he is very good, on the level of the pros in theater films. The writing is very clever, with some great lines. So I anticipated this with some rather high expectations. It was actually a movie (a good one) and porn (S&M) where the two blended well. The only porn film I've seen in the modern era that impressed me was "Fashionistas" and that really did. But the modern stuff is just plain boring, visually and every other way. And you'll often stumble across really intelligent films made by folks with clever ideas that could only get funded if there is panting and jizz in them. Oh, there's porn films from the 70s that really impress, some of them. Porn baffles me, because it is so popular. It fascinates me to see, literally see what works.
I'd almost go as far as to say I liked it, but in the sense that I like a good piece of cotton candy: it goes down in an abhorrently artificial way, and it's gone pretty quickly, and then you don't feel like having any more for a while. The R-rated version might even someday find its way onto a Saturday night sci-fi movie channel of the week, and definitely as one of the better ones in recent memory. Overall it wasn't a movie who's big budget wasn't a total waste, all things considered. In fact, there might be a great deal of camp value that can be derived from these many, many scenes of gratuitous action (not that there hasn't been worse elsewhere, even as the actors try to go to desperate, raging lengths to get there). Those too are quite cheesy, loaded at times with music that sounds like it might be good to hear while waiting on the end of a busy phone line. Yet it's good that there's such a high-level of camp value with scenes that look improvised with the actors (there's one woman-on-woman scene where a bunch of guys stand around them saying "argh" the whole time and cheer on as if truly drunken), because if one were to grade this on a scale like the folks at Hustler magazine or other magazines of the sort do, it wouldn't necessarily get a very high grade either, unless if based on subjective perceptions of the sizes of certain 'things' and how such scenes are sort of staged. A few times it looks as though the director actually understands that a movie like Pirates has to be something of a parody in order to keep the attention of its viewing public- past the obvious points, of which need not be mentioned here. Much of it is basically convoluted (yes, even more-so) knock-off material and characterization from the POTC movies, which is not all that bad a thing. You'll get the idea about five minutes into the film, if not sooner. Other actresses with one-names like Teagan and Devon maybe aren't quite as adept at that sort of aspect of the performance.
#Pirates 2005 movie review pro
Probably the best bet with the 'actors' though is long-time porno pro Evan Stone, who says his lines with the convincing silliness and strength of a Bruce Campbell (he's probably the only one who 'gets' how stupid this all is, and rolls with it). It's not even really good dialog so much as good quotes, lines that you and your friends (or whomever you may or may not be watching the movie with) will be saying verbatim or close to it for days. But it is, however, of the highest order of sleaze entertainment, and it's a really, really funny movie all the same. I can't really recommend it, in a big sense, as it has no real merit whatsoever as far as real creativity goes. It's a showcase for the director, named simply Joone, to showcase a lot of well-lit XXX sex scenes and lots of ultra-corny CGI involving seascapes, caves, ships, and with the icing on the cake being skeleton pirates that have to duel with some bad-ass girls on an island.
The Pirates porno, the most expensive ever produced (at a whopping $150,000), is excruciating to watch if you're trying to look for a good plot, or entirely "good" acting ability.